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Suicide - How and Why - Gorwl's Crap

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Gorwl French
Suicide Expert



1. Private (traditional) suicide

This is a very standard format of suicide and the most common category of. Most people tend to perform private suicide not only because it is the traditional method they are familiar with, but also because it is more personal, probably peaceful (depending upon method) and often private. Sometimes there will be a few witnesses to the act, though the victim (of themselves) is usually unconscious of their presence, and merely making a botch of things. Methods for private suicide include hanging, taking of overdoses, gassing, drowning, etc. There are more different methods for this type of suicide than any of the others, which makes sense as it is the most frequent.


3. Mass suicide

Some argue that mass suicide isn’t really suicide at all, but it is. Mass suicide is not when a large group of people commit suicide simultaneously, like the Jews on the rock of Masada, for that comes under public suicide. Mass suicide is when a person or, more usually, persons, decide to sacrifice themselves and a group of others who have no choice in the matter, often for the good of the survivors. Such events may include the destruction of starving people when there is not enough food to go around, or of perfectly healthy people for similar reasons. It could also mean abandoning people to their deaths if the danger the rescuing party faces is too great. However, the action is only justified as suicide if one or more of the deciding parties are also sacrificed. This also includes kamikaze. Methods usually include explosion, shooting, stabbing and drowning, but again there are others.



NB. Accidental suicide does not fit into these categories. It is not real suicide, because it is accidental, just like manslaughter is not real murder. I prefer to call it selfslaughter.




In the beginning, Man was made and Woman was made and Man and Woman made more. The more all struggled to improve their living in this foul, dismal little shithole, until they realised that life was flawed and tried to unmake themselves. This skill became known as suicide, and its basic result (death) has been discovered since in many different forms and by many different methods. I am not going to go into these methods now, as I am sure you have the imagination to work out that strangling yourself wouldn’t work, whereas hanging yourself would, etc… In any case, we all learn through trial and error, so says Miss Bockley.


Forthwith I shall list the four main categories of suicide, which determine the variety one may perform:


2. Public (political) suicide

Public suicide is when suicide is performed either before a large audience or before a video camera which is intended to be viewed by a large audience. It is usually done for political reasons, to make a statement, but only includes the sacrifice of willing victims, otherwise it is mass suicide. These are the types people are most likely to confuse. It is often done individually and accompanied by a threat or curse to add effect. Doing it privately and leaving a little obnoxious note is not the same thing. That is just boring old private suicide again. Public suicides are often very spectacular. Methods include self ignition, starvation (e.g. suffragettes), and the leaping off of mountains or bridges or the Niagara Falls.


4. Assisted (euthanasia) suicide

This is probably the most boring category of suicide, and again debateable as suicide. Believe me when I say it is. Euthanasia is currently illegal in this country, but people who ‘kill’ for this purpose are usually let off lightly. Assisted suicide is usually (though not always) performed when the person who wants to wind up dead is incapable of doing the job themselves in a satisfactory manner; these people are usually bedridden or just generally incompetent. Most of these deaths are assisted by a close friend or relative, or the doctor attending the patient. Most people choose assisted suicide, because they are dying slowly and impatient to escape life. Assisted suicide is nearly always exclusively performed by overdose of drugs, but otherwise is known to include suffocation and gassing.












For further tips or information, contact me, the author of this page at (if I have not killed myself before now). I will be happy to tell you why suicide is good.





This page was illustrated by Jabbo Kingshead!










Why commit suicide? I have gone into the how, but not said why (other than mentioning the shittiness of existence). So here is the main list:


   You are a sad, lonely person, who lots of people hate, so why carry on defying them?

   You are dying slowly and patiently and want to speed it up.

   Everything has suddenly flopped in your life, and you are left feeling empty and suicidal.

   You hate the government or the world and you want to get out making them feel bad about it.

   You are just generally a very malicious person and want people to feel bad about it.

   Someone is trying to kill or hurt you, so you’re going to get there first.

   It is your ‘duty’.

   You’re going to die or lots of other people are going to die, so it would be more sensible just to get out now.

   You want to see the afterlife.

   You want to prove God does (not) exist.

   You want to prove that you can do it.


See, in fact suicide is a very noble and sensible thing to do.

Don't deny that pigs may fly!