theory of the Flying Pigs is divided into 3 main, separate theories, which collectively comprise of the general meaning behind
1) The Theory of Infinity
I realised that the probability of flying pigs was not so far off as is generally accepted. I arrived at this conclusion
though a method of considerations. To begin with, for instance, the ridiculousness of the idea is based upon our contact with
selectively bred pigs present only on this small, grey planet in a certain galaxy. However, what has been ignored is evolution.
Evolution suggests that many mammals were once flying things, and/or that many flying things were once mammals. Although it
is a cheating way to say it, if we accept evolution as truth, then the chances are that what are now regarded as pigs once
We also have to take time into account. In a universe of infinite time, how can we say that pigs will never evolve
or mutate to fly? It seems to me more ridiculous to suggest the impossibility of such, rather than the possibility. Maybe
if we didn’t try so hard to keep pigs as pigs – fat, fleshy, rubbery animals, good only for eating – then
they would adapt to flying naturally. Afterall, flying seems a desirable trait, allowing animals to hunt and escape from hunters,
flee from natural disasters, migrate and reach advantageous heights. As this, both Lemark and Darwin’s theories support
the possibility of such an alteration.
What really strikes me, though, is the sceptic’s blindness that in a universe of infinite space, within which
is infinite numbers of galaxies hosting infinite numbers of organisms, there is not somewhere where pigs do fly. There is
nothing wrong with not being sure.
Then there is the matter of the infinite number of universes. Let me explain it to you thus:
I get out of bed in the morning.
That could go either way. I may get out of bed in the morning, and then again, I may not. I may also do it in any
infinite number of ways, down to the detail of which square millimetre of floor I first place each square millimetre of foot
upon. There will be a separate universe for each one of these possibilities. That is what is meant by parallel universes.
Let me take it further. Completely unrelated, at his own house:
Jabbo brushes his hair.
He may, he may not. Think about it. He could brush his hair in an infinite number of ways. And each of those ways occurs
in universes where I got out of bed, and again in ones where I didn’t. There are an infinite number of universes where
each possibly occurrence of every event there ever could be, whether related to one another or mutually exclusive in the same
universe, or whatever, occurs.
That means you can give me any string of events and the probability is that if you could think of it, there will
somewhere be a universe where it happens exactly as you say (and plenty where it only happens similarly, or even not at all).
Such is the probability of such things. Now, you try to tell me that, although we may not presently be able to intentionally
travel between the universes (at least without getting hopelessly lost), there is not at least one of those infinite number
out there somewhere where pigs fly.
No, don’t even bother. I do believe you could be that stupid.
2) The Theory of the Physical Pig
The pig is an omnivorous mammal, of which there are in the world about 1 billion domesticated (on farms, that is)
alone. Pigs are naturally stickily-built animals, with large bodies, small hoofed limbs and features. On average, they weight
185kg per animal. If you are an imperial person, you will just have to cope or convert, because all that is to follow appears
in metric. I have put in a couple of comparative points to guide you, but basically you’re on your own from now on.
That’ll teach you to be imperious (yeah, yeah, bad joke – I know. It was one of Ninety-Ribbons’, surprisingly).
The albatross is the largest flying bird in the world. Its bodyweight heavily comprises of muscles and its whole
mass comes to a total of 11kg. An 11kg bird can expect a wingspan of 3.7m.
I decided to calculate the comparative wingspan a pig would be expected to require through the albatross:
If I divide the wingspan of the albatross by its weight, I get the relative wingspan in metres per kilogram and must
then multiply that by the weight of the pig:
(3.7m ¸ 11kg) Í 185kg = 62.2(27 recurring)m
This would mean that for a pig to fly correctly, a 185kg animal would possess a 62m wingspan. This is about as long
as 36 people lying head to toe in a straight line.
However, this would only be relative to the same breadth of wing as the albatross. Obviously, the greater body length
of a pig would make this ridiculous, and its wings should be of greater breadth, decreasing the necessity of such length in
maintaining the same surface area as before. But is must also be taken into account that a pig is unhealthy, unfit and completely
debilitated. In comparison to the muscular albatross, the pig is nowhere. 10% of the albatross’ bodyweight is made up
of muscle, whereas that in the pig is practically 0%. To accommodate for the presence of wings and the power the pig will
need to gain, being so heavy already, it must gain another 10% of its present bodyweight.
10% of 185kg = 18.5kg
185kg +18.5kg = 203.5kg
I then calculate the new total wingspan by using the same sum as before:
(3.7m ¸ 11kg) Í 203.5kg = 68.45m
If we assume that the wing breadth of the albatross is approximately half of the optimum pig wing breadth, I can
68.45m ¸ 2 = 34.255m
We can estimate that for a flying pig to exist and operate efficiently, it would desire a wingspan of about 34m in
length (spanning across its back). This is about as long as 20 people lying head to toe in a straight line.
I apologise if my complicated mathematical concept has confused you. My point was only to convince you of the mathematical
probability of a flying pig.
3) The Theory of Improbability
The theory behind the statement ‘Pigs May Fly’ is that this occurrence is incredibly unlikely. However,
I have already proved that it is not.
Take Pegasus, for instance. We are familiar with the image of the flying horse; it crops up repeatedly in classical
mythology and in such popular books as C.S.Lewis’ ‘The Magician’s
Nephew’. Although it exists alongside the chimera and talking lions, this familiarity with the flying horse image
is all that makes it seem to us more likely. This is completely contrary to the format of text within which it can be found.
Improbability is a standing statement of our expectations. Therefore it fluctuates with our experiences and states
of mind. In this way, the probability of any occurrence, whether it is a flying pig or roll of a die, can be deliberately
manipulated to meet our demands. If we really believe that a die is biased to one side – and here I am talking about
belief, complete, unreasonable conviction, not hope – the probability of
its boas will be very high. This is part of the power of the human mind.
I have theorised that by this reasoning, the probability of a flying pig can be greatly increased not by in any way
affecting any link to the topic, but by instead affecting the completely unconnected. Thus it stands: the greater the number of improbable occurrences, the greater the probability of any improbable occurrence. Some
may argue that to balance the relative probabilities, this improbability would become even more improbable. I myself would
describe the process better as moderating a set of scales. The more that improbable things grow probable, the less probable
things are probable. This is how the total balance of probabilities and improbabilities neutralises. Eventually, if the scale
was completely equalised, everything would be exactly as probable as everything else.
I considered that if all really improbably incidents started happening, the world would immediately become a vastly
more productive place in respect to scientific interest. Regardless to increase in danger, death (we need to keep the population
down anyway) and mental damage, this can only be a good thing. In this state of mind, I set myself to the task in hand. Afterall,
increasing the probability of the flying pig is a nothingness exercise to that of changing the entire scale of probability.
However, we all start small. If someone can breed a mouse with an ear on its back, I reckon that I can certainly kick-start
that flying pig business.
This is basically the ambition of my gang. By indulging in unusual and/or improbable exercises and challenges (undisclosed
in detail for your sanity’s sake – we’d have to know you better before we admitted to anything anyway),
we stimulate the intellectual field that controls the probability of events. I named the gang the Flying Pigs for this purpose.
We operate on an outlaw judgement system of rank (I.e. not within the laws of our country, but under our own reign,
this is why authorities such as the police do not always comprehend us), where a member can ascend or descent the pecking
order relatively to their contribution to the cause and obedience to those pigs above them. Mostly, it would take a very big
difference to cause a move in the order, because we want to avoid frequent fluctuations, as this disturbs the foundations
of the gang. Fluctuations are more likely to occur in lower ranks that higher ones.
Ronney Dulmorris, of course, will always be pig1.
Don't deny that pigs may fly!